A Payday Loan

Having recently joined the rank and file as a father who has been ordered by the family court to make bi-weekly child support payments to my ex-wife to assist her with our four year old son, I can honestly say that I was frustrated and at times disappointed with the way that I was treated during my support hearings.  Before I get into that thought I am going to share with you my side of how I arrived at this point to begin with.

In the fall of 2007 my ex-wife gave birth to our son, and by the end of December that same year she and I were married.  By the spring of 2008 I was contemplating if we needed to stay married because things were not working the way that they should have been for us to be married.  Things came to a head for me when I spotted her and her ex-boyfriend coming from family court one day while I was with our son heading to go visit my mother at work.  I was under the impression that she was at work while I had taken our son to the doctor to see about his foot.  The reality as I found out was that while I was with our son at the doctor’s office she was at family court with her ex-boyfriend requesting that the court put a stop on his child support payments that he was making to her for their daughter. I was honestly hurt when I saw all of this mainly because I had our son with me, and I remember thinking to myself how do I explain this to him because I knew right then that our situation was over and I was moving on.  By the fall of 2008 I had submitted my uncontested divorce papers, and in doing so I was very adamant about paying child support to my ex if she felt she needed the money.  My ex-wife made it very clear to me that she did not want any of my money so after unsuccessfully attempting to put myself on child support payments with the court I just simply continued to do everything for our son just the way I had been doing since the day he was born.

Ironically in December of 2009 my divorce was finalized with the courts and I was now free from my marriage.  Post marriage everything was great for me until a couple of years later when my ex decided to petition the court for child support payments from me after we spoke and I explained to her that I had truly moved on and was with someone else preparing for my second child.  My ex stated to me that she now needed to make sure that her son was taken care of because she didn’t know what would happen with my new situation.  Translation, in the event that you and the girl you are with now break up in five years, let me get what I can now before she does.  Especially since I’m not working, living at home with my mother, and honestly really could use the money now.  Needless to say this was the beginning of my frustrations because now I’m thinking to myself that I have been the one doing everything financially for our son so why should I now give you anything.  In any case I dropped my son back to my ex after taking him to get his haircut one day, and before I left I had been served with a summons to appear for a child support hearing.  Before I continue there is no ducking and dodging that my feelings were very strong for my ex-wife and the relationship we had at the time.  At days end my ex-wife brought my firstborn child into this world, and I also married her so I would be lying to you if I said that I did not love her at the time because wanting to have children with someone is a huge situation to be in and there be no love for the person that you are with.  With that being said, I remember my first court appearance like it was yesterday.

My ex and I entered into the court room and within minutes of sitting down the conversation was the support magistrate asking who did my son stay with, and my ex answering by saying that he lived with her.  Next the support magistrate then asked me if I acknowledge being my son’s father and I replied yes.  The magistrate then asked for my pay stubs from work, and with a few key strokes on his calculator determined that I needed to pay my ex three hundred and seventy five dollars in child support every two weeks.  So much for all the other paperwork that I had brought in to show the magistrate that the court had the wrong father because not only was I supporting my son, I was and still am his primary source of support.  I ended up getting a lawyer which helped because as I have found out magistrates are more likely to hear you more when a lawyer speaks on your behalf, and eventually I was able to get my payments down to one hundred and fifty dollars every two weeks after proving to him that my ex and I had shared custody of my son.  Even with that knowledge on the table the court still sought to up my payment amount and my ex and I ended up making settlement on three hundred dollars every two weeks.  At days end again I need to make clear that paying my ex the child support is not a problem for me because my view of the situation is that the money belongs to my son.  My issue with the whole child support situation is that with my view in mind there is no measure of accountability placed on my ex to make sure that the money she receives is being used towards the support of my son like it should be.

In an earlier piece that I wrote titled, “Corporate Mother,” I alluded to the idea that some mother’s view their child as a business decision.  The business decision that I was referring to with that statement was the decision to take a father who is doing his job and actively living up to his responsibilities to court for child support payments.  The child support system not just hurts but in as many cases as it can cripples a person financially.  Now regardless of if the father needed to be taken to court for the support or not, my stance is that the mother receiving the payments needs to be held accountable for what is being done with that money to ensure that the money is being used to support the child, and not just tax free money that mom is collecting for herself.

A father trying to minimize or show that he should not be paying child support would have to prove his case by first being able to show that he has more than just a visitation schedule with his child, and then it’s about him being able to show how he supports his child in the form of medical expenses, daycare expenses, living expenses, and so on.  What’s troubling is that in showing all of this he is basically accounting for every penny that is spent to support his child to avoid being crippled financially by a system out to do just that but for a mother receiving the money she never has to show how she spends every penny of that money to support her child.

Mother’s receiving child support payments are not asked to come before the court every three years and show receipts for medical expenses paid, daycare costs incurred, or changes in living expenses. On the other hand a father making payments could be summoned back to court every three years and be subjected to incremental increases in his support payments of one percent or more depending on the circumstances for the lifetime of the payments.  Now where is the fairness in that because if this is the case shouldn’t mom have to come back to continue to show a need for the money that she already receives?  Even at the request of the father a mother is not obligated to show how the child support is being spent on the child which says to me that until a measure of accountability is put in place unfortunately it will always be likely that the child never even sees the money being given to mother.

It would also just make sense to make sure that a mother receiving child support is at least working, and living in her own situation where she is independent.  How do you justify making child support payments to someone with no job?  In a situation like this it should be obvious that the person is unable to even care for themselves to an extent so if they aren’t working and the other parent is obviously somebody must be taking care of the child other than the unemployed parent. 

In addition to this it should also become obvious that if the mother has no job that the support payments being made by the father likely will serve as her only means of income, and also her only means of supporting herself, and how does that help support the child when it’s supporting mom also?  Now if there is a legitimate reason that mom is unemployed then of course I’m not suggesting that she be forced to work; but if all things are equal and there is nothing to suggest that mom can’t work she should be working to at least be able to show that she has some financial responsibility in the situation regarding herself at the least.  After that then a better and more honest calculation can be made to determine what a father needs to pay in order to supplement what mom makes in order to help support the child before we just put it all on the father.

In closing what I am saying truly applies to those fathers who are taking care of their children.  If a father taking care of his child or children must go through the ringer of the child support system all I’m really saying is at least give him a little protection too in the form of the security of knowing that the money he is paying out is really supporting his child or children, and that it’s not just a payday loan that never has to be bad back.

Be Great,

Chris…